“Jesus…asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’” Jn 6:67 NLT
By managing your anxiety when feeling abandoned, you’re taking control where it counts most and brings the greatest benefits. Here are some helpful guidelines:
(1) Always remember that your thoughts are under your control. When anxiety kicks in, your thoughts begin to run amok. At this point you must take charge of your mind, “Casting down imaginations…bringing into captivity every thought” (2Co 10:5). Don’t argue, resist or reason with your thoughts. Give them a “stop!” order, breathe deeply and select an encouraging thought from your scriptural self-talk list. Feel your anxiety dropping and give God thanks for victory over your anxiety. (2) Stay out of the “waiting room!” By waiting for someone to change or decide to stay, you’re putting your life on hold, pending someone else’s decision. That’s not how God made you to function! “Live purposefully…Making the very most of the time [buying up each opportunity]” (Eph 5:15-16 AMP). Fill your days with worthwhile activity, taking initiative wherever possible and directing your time to useful, rewarding purposes, especially ones that glorify God. (3) Helping others will help heal you. God’s law of reciprocity says you reap when you sow, and receive when you give. It offers you the chance to help yourself by helping others. The Bible says, “The Lord restored Job’s losses when he prayed for his friends” (Job 42:10 NKJV). Research consistently shows that acts of kindness toward others improve the emotional state of those doing them. By helping others you actually instruct your body to increase its positive endorphin levels, boosting your own joy, peace and confidence. Watch it work for you, no matter how the relationship goes!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Handling abandonment (2)
“Jesus…asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’” Jn 6:67 NLT
When you face abandonment, your greatest enemy is your own anxiety! It pushes you into all the wrong reactions. Learn to manage it or it’ll bring about your worst fears. Here are some guidelines to help you: (1) Stay out of the “pursuer” role. Most relationships have a “pursuer” and a “distancer.” When we feel vulnerable we fall into whichever role is characteristic and act it out. When one distances, the other pursues, and vice versa. The problem is: when you pursue a distancer and they get anxious, distancing more, it increases your anxiety and pushes you to pursue more – the vicious cycle. Though it will feel unnatural, by faith, decide to stop pursuing. You’ll decrease the distancer’s anxiety and invite them to stop distancing. Letting go is frightening and feels as though it might encourage them to leave. It won’t necessarily, but holding on will. Managing your anxiety calls on you to do what you fear, but it will reduce the anxiety level!
(2) Control your anxiety-inducing self-talk. “As he thinks…so is he” (Pr 23:7 NKJV). Your anxiety is being caused by your thoughts and self-talk, not your partner or circumstances. Saying, “Oh, I’ll die if he (or she) leaves me,” generates and magnifies your fear. Construct a helpful self-talk list. “If he leaves, it’ll hurt, but with the help of God and my family, I’ll get through it.” Factor God in; He’s the changer of hearts and minds. Lean on Him and He will lessen your anxiety and increase your peace and confidence!
When you face abandonment, your greatest enemy is your own anxiety! It pushes you into all the wrong reactions. Learn to manage it or it’ll bring about your worst fears. Here are some guidelines to help you: (1) Stay out of the “pursuer” role. Most relationships have a “pursuer” and a “distancer.” When we feel vulnerable we fall into whichever role is characteristic and act it out. When one distances, the other pursues, and vice versa. The problem is: when you pursue a distancer and they get anxious, distancing more, it increases your anxiety and pushes you to pursue more – the vicious cycle. Though it will feel unnatural, by faith, decide to stop pursuing. You’ll decrease the distancer’s anxiety and invite them to stop distancing. Letting go is frightening and feels as though it might encourage them to leave. It won’t necessarily, but holding on will. Managing your anxiety calls on you to do what you fear, but it will reduce the anxiety level!
(2) Control your anxiety-inducing self-talk. “As he thinks…so is he” (Pr 23:7 NKJV). Your anxiety is being caused by your thoughts and self-talk, not your partner or circumstances. Saying, “Oh, I’ll die if he (or she) leaves me,” generates and magnifies your fear. Construct a helpful self-talk list. “If he leaves, it’ll hurt, but with the help of God and my family, I’ll get through it.” Factor God in; He’s the changer of hearts and minds. Lean on Him and He will lessen your anxiety and increase your peace and confidence!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Handling abandonment (1)
“Jesus…asked, ‘Are you also going to leave?’” Jn 6:67 NLT
We say, “What’ll I do if they leave and never come back?” It’s one of our greatest fears – abandonment! Watch the newborn when Mom leaves the room – terror appears on its tiny face. Our memory records those traumatic moments and replays them later when an important relationship is disintegrating in our hands. Jesus understands how you feel. “Many of his disciples turned away and deserted him” (Jn 6:66 NLT). What was His reaction? Indifference: “Who needs you?” False bravado: “I can get along without you?” Revenge: “I don’t get mad, I get even?” No, we hear His intensely human emotions: “Are you also going to leave?” (v.67). It’s all there: the pain of loss, wondering what’s going to happen next, anticipating how it will impact us and if we’ll be able to get through it.
When you’re facing abandonment by someone you love and dread losing, remember: (1) Efforts to keep someone from abandoning you usually don’t work. Begging, manipulating, tears and promises often intensify their determination to go. (2) At some point we all experience the heartbreak of losing someone we love, or being disappointed in people. It’s why God tells us over and over, “Fear not, I am with you.” (3) The pain you feel is legitimate. Those who say, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” are well-meaning but wrong. Acknowledging pain initiates the feeling-dealing-healing process. You can’t heal what you won’t feel or deal with. So, embrace your feelings, draw on God’s grace, and move through the healing process.
We say, “What’ll I do if they leave and never come back?” It’s one of our greatest fears – abandonment! Watch the newborn when Mom leaves the room – terror appears on its tiny face. Our memory records those traumatic moments and replays them later when an important relationship is disintegrating in our hands. Jesus understands how you feel. “Many of his disciples turned away and deserted him” (Jn 6:66 NLT). What was His reaction? Indifference: “Who needs you?” False bravado: “I can get along without you?” Revenge: “I don’t get mad, I get even?” No, we hear His intensely human emotions: “Are you also going to leave?” (v.67). It’s all there: the pain of loss, wondering what’s going to happen next, anticipating how it will impact us and if we’ll be able to get through it.
When you’re facing abandonment by someone you love and dread losing, remember: (1) Efforts to keep someone from abandoning you usually don’t work. Begging, manipulating, tears and promises often intensify their determination to go. (2) At some point we all experience the heartbreak of losing someone we love, or being disappointed in people. It’s why God tells us over and over, “Fear not, I am with you.” (3) The pain you feel is legitimate. Those who say, “You shouldn’t feel this way,” are well-meaning but wrong. Acknowledging pain initiates the feeling-dealing-healing process. You can’t heal what you won’t feel or deal with. So, embrace your feelings, draw on God’s grace, and move through the healing process.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Tough love
“Arise and walk.” Mt 9:5 NKJV
Misguided sympathy is dangerous because: (a) it enables someone to feel sorry for themselves, yet take no action to change things; (b) it digs the hole deeper, so they’ve less chance of getting out of it; (c) it creates a “learned helplessness” guaranteeing they’ll feel even more hopeless. Sometimes tough love is what’s needed. Although Jesus had compassion for hurting people, He never merely felt sorry for them. Whenever possible He helped them to help themselves. Before He worked on their behalf, He often asked them to do something. And sometimes His instructions seemed radical. For example, He told a crippled man to rise, take up his bed and walk (See Mt 9:6). He told a man who’d received word that his daughter was dead, not to fret (See Mk 5:35-36). He spat on the ground, made mud and rubbed it on a blind man’s eyes. Then He instructed him to walk to the pool of Siloam and wash it off (See Jn 9:1-7). How could a crippled man rise, take up his bed and walk? How could a man who had just received the report of his daughter’s death be expected to stay calm? How could a blind man even see to get to a certain pool of water? Instead of merely feeling sorry for people, Jesus moved them to action. He helped them to get their minds off their problems, and motivated them to do something about them. At times we feel like we’re being unkind if we confront people who have problems, when in reality “tough love” is what they need.
Misguided sympathy is dangerous because: (a) it enables someone to feel sorry for themselves, yet take no action to change things; (b) it digs the hole deeper, so they’ve less chance of getting out of it; (c) it creates a “learned helplessness” guaranteeing they’ll feel even more hopeless. Sometimes tough love is what’s needed. Although Jesus had compassion for hurting people, He never merely felt sorry for them. Whenever possible He helped them to help themselves. Before He worked on their behalf, He often asked them to do something. And sometimes His instructions seemed radical. For example, He told a crippled man to rise, take up his bed and walk (See Mt 9:6). He told a man who’d received word that his daughter was dead, not to fret (See Mk 5:35-36). He spat on the ground, made mud and rubbed it on a blind man’s eyes. Then He instructed him to walk to the pool of Siloam and wash it off (See Jn 9:1-7). How could a crippled man rise, take up his bed and walk? How could a man who had just received the report of his daughter’s death be expected to stay calm? How could a blind man even see to get to a certain pool of water? Instead of merely feeling sorry for people, Jesus moved them to action. He helped them to get their minds off their problems, and motivated them to do something about them. At times we feel like we’re being unkind if we confront people who have problems, when in reality “tough love” is what they need.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Be careful what you commit to!
“Which is the greatest commandment?” Mt 22:36 NIV
When Jesus was asked, “Which is the greatest commandment?” He answered, “Love the Lord…and…Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:37-39 NIV). So our greatest commitments should be based on the two greatest commandments. The problem is, we get involved with things that keep us from doing this. The Bible says: “No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs – he wants to please his commanding officer” (2Ti 2:4 NIV). In other words, be careful what you commit to. There are three types of commitment: (1) Dramatic commitments. Like getting married or buying a home. Unfortunately, we don’t consider the hidden costs. When we buy a house we think only of the additional square footage, not the extra hour each day commuting to work or the time taken away from our family. (2) Routine commitments. These may look mundane, but don’t underestimate their power. Any parent who’s signed up their child for a sports league knows the time-consuming potential of the routine commitments. (3) Unspoken commitments. These are the commitments we make to ourselves, but often fail to keep. In life, the dramatic commitments receive most of our attention, but the routine ones end up controlling us. Because there are so many of them and because they come on a daily basis and individually look so small, we don’t sense the gap growing between what we say matters most to us, and what we’re actually doing with our lives. So Jesus simplified it: “Love the Lord…and…Love your neighbor.” When you measure your life by that yardstick, you’ve a better chance of living by the right commitments.
When Jesus was asked, “Which is the greatest commandment?” He answered, “Love the Lord…and…Love your neighbor as yourself” (Mt 22:37-39 NIV). So our greatest commitments should be based on the two greatest commandments. The problem is, we get involved with things that keep us from doing this. The Bible says: “No one serving as a soldier gets involved in civilian affairs – he wants to please his commanding officer” (2Ti 2:4 NIV). In other words, be careful what you commit to. There are three types of commitment: (1) Dramatic commitments. Like getting married or buying a home. Unfortunately, we don’t consider the hidden costs. When we buy a house we think only of the additional square footage, not the extra hour each day commuting to work or the time taken away from our family. (2) Routine commitments. These may look mundane, but don’t underestimate their power. Any parent who’s signed up their child for a sports league knows the time-consuming potential of the routine commitments. (3) Unspoken commitments. These are the commitments we make to ourselves, but often fail to keep. In life, the dramatic commitments receive most of our attention, but the routine ones end up controlling us. Because there are so many of them and because they come on a daily basis and individually look so small, we don’t sense the gap growing between what we say matters most to us, and what we’re actually doing with our lives. So Jesus simplified it: “Love the Lord…and…Love your neighbor.” When you measure your life by that yardstick, you’ve a better chance of living by the right commitments.
Friday, November 6, 2009
If we’re willing to pay the price
“As many as I love, I rebuke.” Rev 3:19 NKJV
If we’re willing to pay the price
Addressing the end-time church, Jesus said: “You say, ‘I am rich…and have need of nothing’ – and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked – I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore…repent” (Rev 3:17-19 NKJV).
Those are strong words! Why would Christ say that to us? Because: (1) Instead of believing God for New Testament results, we say God doesn’t do miracles any more. (2) We’ve tolerated division in the name of denominational loyalty. (3) We’ve taught that Christianity is mainly about avoiding things. As a result we’ve lost our joy, because intimacy with Christ cannot be achieved through performance. (4) Many of our leaders have stopped modeling servant-hood and forgotten that Jesus washed feet and rode on a donkey. (5) Instead of using our financial blessing to reach the world for Christ and care for the poor, we’re acquiring and splurging on ourselves. (6) We get upset when somebody uses contemporary methods to reach the younger generation. Instead of engaging the culture we’re hiding from it. (7) Instead of “occupy till I come,” we’d rather fly away. We read rapture novels when we should be praying for those living on the verge of martyrdom. Why can’t we have their kind of faith? We can – if we’re willing to pay the price.
If we’re willing to pay the price
Addressing the end-time church, Jesus said: “You say, ‘I am rich…and have need of nothing’ – and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked – I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore…repent” (Rev 3:17-19 NKJV).
Those are strong words! Why would Christ say that to us? Because: (1) Instead of believing God for New Testament results, we say God doesn’t do miracles any more. (2) We’ve tolerated division in the name of denominational loyalty. (3) We’ve taught that Christianity is mainly about avoiding things. As a result we’ve lost our joy, because intimacy with Christ cannot be achieved through performance. (4) Many of our leaders have stopped modeling servant-hood and forgotten that Jesus washed feet and rode on a donkey. (5) Instead of using our financial blessing to reach the world for Christ and care for the poor, we’re acquiring and splurging on ourselves. (6) We get upset when somebody uses contemporary methods to reach the younger generation. Instead of engaging the culture we’re hiding from it. (7) Instead of “occupy till I come,” we’d rather fly away. We read rapture novels when we should be praying for those living on the verge of martyrdom. Why can’t we have their kind of faith? We can – if we’re willing to pay the price.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Just do it!
“A doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave.” Jas 1:6 TLB
The Bible says, “A doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave…driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can’t make up their minds” (See Jas 1:6-8 TLB). This Scripture applies specifically to asking God for wisdom, then rationalizing and vacillating when He gives you an answer. But the same principle applies to all of life. Have you ever seen anything more fickle than a wave? The wind that takes it one direction today, takes it in an entirely different one tomorrow. “How does this apply to me?” you ask: (1) If you’ve grown up in a family where every decision was made for you. (2) If you spent your life around people who made reckless decisions that left you feeling “it’s too easy to get it wrong and too hard to get it right.” (3) If the bad decisions you’ve made in the past have sabotaged your confidence – then today’s devotion is just for you!
James makes the point that none of us learn to hear from God without making mistakes. So don’t be hard on yourself. Learn from your mistakes, correct the ones you can, and continue being decisive. Don’t fall back into a pattern of indecision because you got it wrong a few times. Often you’ll only know that you’ve done the right thing – when you do it! Devote a reasonable amount of time to waiting on God, and when necessary seek the counsel of others. But don’t be afraid to act; make a decision and follow through with it. In other words, “just do it!”
The Bible says, “A doubtful mind will be as unsettled as a wave…driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can’t make up their minds” (See Jas 1:6-8 TLB). This Scripture applies specifically to asking God for wisdom, then rationalizing and vacillating when He gives you an answer. But the same principle applies to all of life. Have you ever seen anything more fickle than a wave? The wind that takes it one direction today, takes it in an entirely different one tomorrow. “How does this apply to me?” you ask: (1) If you’ve grown up in a family where every decision was made for you. (2) If you spent your life around people who made reckless decisions that left you feeling “it’s too easy to get it wrong and too hard to get it right.” (3) If the bad decisions you’ve made in the past have sabotaged your confidence – then today’s devotion is just for you!
James makes the point that none of us learn to hear from God without making mistakes. So don’t be hard on yourself. Learn from your mistakes, correct the ones you can, and continue being decisive. Don’t fall back into a pattern of indecision because you got it wrong a few times. Often you’ll only know that you’ve done the right thing – when you do it! Devote a reasonable amount of time to waiting on God, and when necessary seek the counsel of others. But don’t be afraid to act; make a decision and follow through with it. In other words, “just do it!”
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